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Of course, there will be good days and bad days throughout. If this is not the case, it might be time to seek counseling. There is no way to avoid the grief you will feel following the loss of your spouse — it would not even be healthy to try to avoid it. There are, however, some ways to keep the grieving process moving in the right direction…. Acknowledge the range of your feelings. If you deny yourself the right to experience these emotions, you will find it difficult to deal with your grief as well. A woman was mired in grief five years after the death of her husband.
She was unwilling to admit to herself that she was angry with him for being financially irresponsible. Only when she came to terms with this anger was she able to move beyond her grief. Put your feelings into words.
Talking about loss can help you cope. Speak with a friend or a counselor — or join a bereavement support group. A hospital, hospice or religious organization often can help you find a group in your area. If you prefer not to share your feelings verbally, write them in a journal or in an unsent letter to the departed spouse.
Remain connected with friends. As soon as you feel you could manage to go out and spend time with friends, do so — do not wait until you actually want to go out. Spending time with other people gives you an opportunity to focus on something other than your loss, reducing the odds that you will be pulled into the downward spiral of depression. If you do not feel ready to resume close relationships, pick activities that let you interact with other people but that keep the chitchat to a minimum, such as playing tennis or going to a movie.
Balance activity and free time. Exercise, join clubs, do volunteer work or engage in other activities that get you out of the house and get your mind off your loss as soon as you feel able to do so. Do not become so busy that you have no free time to reflect, however. Try to find at least a few minutes of unscheduled time each day when you can relax, either at home or outside taking a walk.
Schedule enough sleep time that you wake feeling rested. That might mean more than eight hours a night at first. Sleep deprivation makes any kind of emotional healing that much more difficult. Give yourself what your spouse would have given you. Surviving spouses sometimes feel cheated out of long-planned vacations and promised gifts when their partners pass away.
Giving these gifts to yourself can help you overcome these emotions. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.
Feeling dazed or numb when someone loved dies is often part of your early grief experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: This feeling helps create insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don't want to believe. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Lighten your schedule as much as possible.
Caring for yourself doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself; it means you are using survival skills. Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do during this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need.
Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings - both happy and sad. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. Most importantly, the funeral is a way for you to express your grief outside yourself.
If you eliminate this ritual, you often set yourself up to repress your feelings and you cheat everyone who cares for a chance to pay tribute to someone who was, and always will be, loved. If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry with God because of the death of someone you loved, recognize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.
You may hear someone say, "With faith, you don't need to grieve. Having your personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems that build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well. You may find yourself asking, "Why did he die?
Some questions have answers. Actually, the healing occurs in the opportunity to pose the questions, not necessarily in answering them.
Find a supportive friend who will listen responsively as you search for meaning. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after someone loved dies. Share them with your family and friends.
Jamison Starbuck, ND Dr. How does it help you make sense of life? Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Being told you have a serious, possibly terminal illness. In reality, grief does not always progress according to a preset pattern. Do not become so busy that you have no free time to reflect, however.
Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship that you had with a very special person in your life. The capacity to love require the necessity to grieve when someone you love dies. You can't heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event.
Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever. It's not that you won't be happy again. It's simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before the death. So, too, is your ability to help yourself heal. For each of us - rich or poor, young or old - there are times in our lives when we must face and deal with personal losses and the pain and sorrow they cause.
Examples that come easily to mind are the death of a parent, spouse, child, or other close family member or friend. Many other events and transitions also bring with them sadness and a need to grieve:. Losses such as these are simply part of living. Like their counterparts among the joyful occasions in our lifetime - the birth of a child or grandchild, a celebration of marriage, an enduring friendship - they are part of what it means to share in the human experience.
And the emotions they create in us are part of living, as well. The death of a loved one is life's most painful event. People's reactions to death remain one of society's least understood and most off-limits topics for discussion. Oftentimes, grievers are left totally alone in dealing with their pain, loneliness, and isolation. Grief is a natural emotion that follows death. Sadness, denial, guilt, physical discomfort, and sleeplessness are some of the symptoms of grief. It is like an open wound which must become healed.
At times, it seems as if this healing will never happen. While some of life's spontaneity begins to return, it never seems to get back to the way it was. It is still incomplete. We know, however, that these feelings of being incomplete can disappear. Healing is a process of allowing ourselves to feel, experience, and accept the pain. In other words, we give ourselves permission to heal. Allowing ourselves to accept these feelings is the beginning of that process. The healing process can take much less time than we have been led to believe. There are two missing parts.
One is a safe, loving, professionally guided atmosphere in which to express our feelings; the other is knowing how and what to communicate. When we experience a major loss, grief is the normal and natural way our mind and body react. And at the same time there are common patterns people tend to share.
For example, someone experiencing grief usually moves through a series of emotional stages, such as shock, numbness, guilt, anger and denial. And physical responses are typical also. Time always plays an important role in the grieving process. As the days, weeks and months go by, the person who is experiencing loss moves through emotional and physical reactions that normally lead toward acceptance, healing and getting on with life as fully as possible. Sometimes a person can become overwhelmed or bogged down in the grieving process. Serious losses are never easy to deal with, but someone who is having trouble beginning to actively re-engage in life after a few months should consider getting professional help.
For example, if continual depression or physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, inability to sleep, or chronic lack of energy persists, it is probably time to see a doctor. Here are some tips that may help you and the rest of the family recover from the death of your parents. The time of death can be mystifying and troubling to a young person. We at OFSA, help children understand the processes of dying, death and bereavement and how it affects their lives. Our children's program offers interactive discussions of what happens when a person dies, what the children will see, and examination of the caskets help children deal with the situation in an honest and caring setting before seeing their grandparent or other loved one.
We encourage children to be part of the funeral by putting pictures, letters or other meaningful items in the casket. Young people may also act as honorary pallbearers during the service. Learning to accept death is a natural experience in life which, must not be ignored. Talking about death is necessary. It is a vital part of every child's development. Death is a subject most of us do not like to talk about but eventually we all have to face it.
We, at OFSA would like to help prepare your family before the need arises. We have designed a program to meet the needs of your family, in respect to the ages of your children, your faith issues and cultural beliefs. Individual appointments will be made for your family or group at a time that is mutually convenient to your family and ours.
The program is best conducted at OFSA this gives the children more of a hands on approach to learning. The intention of the program is to give a better understanding, and remove the mystery around what happens when a person dies. Depending on the ages of your children, and the size of your family or group, we would like you to allow us 60 minutes for discussion, tour, and questions. As in all situations, honesty is the best way to deal with children.
Talk to the child in a language that they can understand. Remember to listen to the child and try to understand what the child is saying and just as importantly, what they are not saying. Children need to feel that the death is an open subject and that they can express their thoughts or questions as they arise. Below are just a few ways adults can help children face the death of someone close to them.
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Adults can help prepare a child deal with future loses of those who are significant by helping the child handle smaller losses through sharing their feelings when a pet dies or when death is discussed in a story or on television. In helping children understand and cope with death, remember four key concepts: Outlined below are explanations that adults may give to a child to explain why the person they loved his died. Unfortunately, simple but dishonest answers can only serve to increase the fear and uncertainty that the child is feeling.
How tired is tired enough to die? Click the categories below to scroll to that section. Death of A Parent.
Caring For A Surviving Child. Allow Yourself to Mourn Someone you love has died. Many other events and transitions also bring with them sadness and a need to grieve: Being told you have a serious, possibly terminal illness. Having to give up interests and activities that have been a major part of your life. Seeing serious decline in mental or physical health of someone you love. Retiring from a work career or voluntary activity that has helped shape who you are and what you stand for.
Losing a significant part of your independence and mobility; even giving up driving a car can be a significant loss for many people. Moving out of your home. Saying goodbye to a favorite pet. Death of a parent. Resist the temptation to dismiss their death as "timely" or "inevitable". While this is one way to rationalize the loss, it doesn't touch your emotions. You have experienced a significant loss and you need to take time to grieve. The majority of people whose parents die are employed full time.
A three-day bereavement leave isn't enough time to deal with this loss. Be aware of the need to adjust your personal schedule to take time to grieve. Work at keeping the lines of communication open between you and your siblings. They understand more than anyone what your loss entails. Remember each member of the family has a personal loss and each will mourn the death of your parent for different reasons and in different ways.
Find one or two close friends with whom you can talk. People often say, "My friends don't want to hear about this! There are also professionals you may call on: